Just be happy for me, please?

       Well, Merry Christmas! I have now found my password and am ready to blog again with the holidays through, I know I just said that but, c'est la vie.  I am currently irked.  I am irked because I am happy and no one else will share in my joy.  I am trying to loose some weight for track i have lost 2 more pounds.  I am very happy because I can almost use my old pole again (I pole vaulted in track), but alas instead everyone is getting on my case about being some sick freak.  Why can't they just let me be happy, it baffles me.  Will anyone out there just share in my joy?

I feel like I don't even know me anymore?

          Do you ever have those days where you want something but, you don't know what?  Totally one of those days.  I have had a rough start to the week, as many of us do, and I want something from my friends.  But what? I can't answer that question myself, do I want people to notice my pain? Do I want to continue to look like the super hero.  In a non-boastful way I have had many of my friends (who don't know me as this blog does) tell me that they can't imagine me vulnerable and in pain.  I can imagine me like that, but that is because only I have seen it.  This side only comes out when I am in this  alone.  I can't let my guard down in front of others, I am not sure why.  Is it a trust thing, because I would put my life in their hands if I could, for it would be safer there.

I don't even know me anymore.  I don't know what I want.  Every decision is a battle of trial and err, guessing my way through.  My body doesn't even know if it is tired or not after 64 hours of sleep deprivation.  Why can't I decipher my own feelings today.  Why can't I just take a little break from life. Don't get confused I am not suicidal, but if I could just close my eyes for a month and let life pass me by, then when they open everything will be set straight.  I won't have friends who self-harm, I won't have a brother going into the marines, I won't have a friend who committed suicide, I won't have an anorexic friend, I won't be dyslexic and I won't have to keep any secrets.  Is that a thing? Can I do that?

Where can I go for a break from life? (but really any answers would be much appreciated)

What is Life?

          What is life? This is a new saying of mine.  I haven't blogged in over two months and it has upset me greatly.  I don't understand why I let all these things in life get in the way of doing things that are important to me.  Its been rough and I feel odd not having a place to vent it all too.  Long story short I was in vigorous seven day a week rehab for anorexia, starting Dec. 1 I only need to go in twice a week.  This is a huge step for me and that is why it has been hard to keep up with my blogs, sorry.  Things come by us day by day as we ride down this life road.  These things that came by, they stopped me, they stopped me dead in my tracks and slid me backward.  I am now hopefully starting a new chapter in my life as I make up for lost time.  I hope I can return to my diligently kept blog.  :)

CHECK US OUT!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ahmvNNF54uU&feature=plcp

New and I are enjoying our new youtube channel.  We only have 2 videos but we think they are fun!  We enjoy making them but also want some views to here is our favorite video and u can get to the other one from it.  I hope you all make time to see it and keep tabs for our next video :D

He be sleepin'

   I am white, and I am wealthy.  I go to a good school and extra circular activities and hang out with my friends.  I was getting some house work done,  the workers drove up.  It was a saturday morning 6 o'clock.  Everybody I know sleeps in past nine on a saturday, but I have horrible insomnia.  As I looked out my window and saw them; it was a man probably late 50s and then in the passenger seat a guy, like my age (like 16) sleeping.  The man got out and walked around the car and woke up this guy.  The kid got out and was handed a coffee.  He swallowed down a few drugs and they came to the door.  My ma had me get the door with her in the shower and my dad getting some work done in hie room.  I let them in, led them to the backyard showed them what they had to do.  I went back inside, got some juice, doing what most teen girls do, in my pjs hanging out.  I looked out the window and there was that kid working sweating, sipping his coffee, he was "one of the guys", but he was 16.  He was working like a full grown man and he was 16.  I went out, brought him a cold soda. It just didn't seem fair.  By now its  11 o'clock.  he had been working for 5 hours.  My dad comes out and is all like, "why is that boy working."  I shrug, "Well its his job, i guess."  My dad shook his head, "not today."  He walked outside and I watched him talk to the man who originally drove in.  He point at the kid asking a question, "he shrugged then my dad nodded at the kid.  My dad brought him in, "Caroline this is Neil, show him around."  My dad had just taken Neil's job.  For the rest of the day Neil and I roamed around my town. He told me how they don't have allot of money and has been working with his dad for a year.  And please don't get confused, he wasn't doing this for extra pocket money, he was doing this because his family needed one more income and he is the oldest.  He hadn't had a free weekend since he was 13 because before working with his dad he did odd jobs around town.  He was one of the funniest people I had ever met!  Through our day to day life we had our differences and yet, it didn't take much to be friends.  Every day after school he went to work and I went to choir.  After work he went home to babysit his 5 siblings and help them with their homework and cooked their small meals and I went to rehab for me ED.  Despite this when it comes down to it we are both just teens right? going through life  trying to get to the future be independent.  We listen to the radio got pics of our friends in our rooms. By 5 we came home and watched a movie he fell asleep quick.  This kid was tall and super thin because they barley had enough money.  The workers were done at 7:30 and Neil's dad carried him out and said, this will be the most sleep he is gotten since he was ten.  It was just a subtle reminder of how fortunate i am.  This though is not the main point i wanted to make.  I want to look at 3 things.  My dad, he, as i have said before, is one of the most giving people I know.  Do you know any other man who will work in a payed workers spot?  I sure don't but my father did.  Second is look at Neil.  He has his shit his, life is sure not easy and yet, does that stop him from being a decent person, absolutely not.  He can still make friends and have a fun saturday out.  We should learn from this.  We got our rough days, we got our rough months and we get like little bitches being mean to everybody.  He has had a rough life and he sees it as just another step in the road.  You can keep walking or stop.  Like Neil we all got to keep going, it will make us all stronger people if we do it with a good attitude.

What step in the rode do we need to take?

The Moment

     Thursday night was such a great evening with New.  It started at about 7:30 upon our arrival into the out door mall near by, its huge and hard to explain.  We got some smoothies and then bought incense by then it was 8 and... every store was closed.  We weren't leaving until about 9:30 so we didn't know what to do.  As we passed by the apple store we saw a decent line forming outside, we quickly made the connection that it was the people waiting to get the new iPhone 5.  We of course sat down and joined them,  New started up a nice conversation and we made a new friend with the guy next to us.  He was slovakian and has only been here a few months.  He was a great new friend.  We had people come up to us and ask us what we were in line for (dumb asses couldn't figure it out) and we would tell them different things such as, "this is the drug line" and "I'm not sure, we woke up here and weren't quite sure what was going on and saw all of these nice people in line and joined them."  WWe really enjoyed our stories.  A new guy came and sat on our other side and after awhile some man came up to him and they started talking and the guy was pretty creeped out and then the man says, "I would like to invite you to a little party down town at the Lutheran church can i get your number."  The guy handled it like a total pro and eventually the creepy man left and we turned to him and we like, "that was bizarre u handled it well" etc. and he was like, "Its a first."  WIth our Slovakian friend we began to discuss whether we should light some incense or not (btw New was under the impression you could smoke it...) and then the guy invited to the party gives us a lighter.  We were thrilled and then that awkward moment when we can't work it.  "You want to do it?" and the slovakian friend, "You don't know how to work this?" New:, "I don't smoke!"  So we learned from this new friend of ours how to work this kind of lighter.  My mother than informed me that she could come and get us so we told her to pick us up a block away and told the new friends that we were going down to san diego by metro and left.  I decided to tell you this because it was such a superb night and I think it emphasizes one of my favorite life rules;  to LIVE IN THE MOMENT! if you don't you have no idea all the things you will loose.

In what ways could you open up more to help you live in the moment?

Hipster

    We have all gotten the what really makes you popular speech.  We have learned that it isn't all about the # of Facebook friends and parties you go to so I will not go into it.  Let me go over the dialogue my father and I exchanged the other day.

Dad: "One if the youngsters in my office today explained to me hipster.  DO you know what hipster is?"

Me: "Yes dad, I know what hipster is."

Dad: "She showed me this great site called Urban dictionary.com!  Have you ever heard of it?"

Me: "Yes dad."

Dad: "Its superb! Anyway, I have decided that I am hipster.  Wouldn't you agree?  I am not what do you call it... mainstream and some of my shirts have animals and I enjoy folk music.  Thats pretty Hipster right?"

Me: "Yeah dad spot on..."

     My father standing there in his shirt covered with little monkeys jamming out to Kingston Trio thinks he is hipster.  But who is to say he is wrong?  Isn't Beauty in the eye of the beholder? Then why can't hipster?  We all label things and people and through these labels we think that we know them, but do we?  When one looks at my father I doubt anyone thinks hipster and yet there he is with his hipster pride.  I think that my dad is right.  In the famous RENT quote it says, "To anyone in the mainstream.... Is anyone in the main stream?... To anyone alive with a sex drive, tear down the wall, aren't we all?"  Marc here is asking what makes someone mainstream? we will all have different answers and label people and draw these lines putting people in their natural place, but TEAR DOWN THAT WALL!!!!! Just because someone is gay, does that mean you know who they really are? Of course NOT!

Who have you been labeling?

Moms

     When I (hopefully you as well to make this more relatable) think of my mom, I don't see her as a young fit spritely teenager like myself (lol) I never think of her and her numerous relationships and days out with her friends at the mall.  My mom grew up literally blocks away from the beach in Laguna.  If any of you know the area well, her house was across from the high school.  Lately she has been e-mailing an old friend from school and has been feeling quite nostalgic.  This friend of hers keeps saying things like, "I remember when we would blast Jimi Hendrix's song Fire (the long version not the short one) and dance around your room."  As my mother explains this to me this is when she turns and says, "I was allot like you."  And as much as I don't' want to admit it, she's right.  As me and my friends blast songs from my laptop in my upstairs den and having full on jam sessions to Spice Girls, Bob Marley, and so much more so were they.  We dance around like fools just like she did and we embarrass ourselves in front of my brother just as they did, and we go down to the beach in our little bikinis just as they did tanning oil in had and get ready for dances, 9 of us crammed in one bathroom, just as they did.  We cry together and laugh together and experience drugs, sex, and alcohol just as they did.  The list goes on and on.  But, the point is I have never seen her the way she sees me.  But, now I realize I can in all of the actions I do, I can think that despite the fact it was 45 years ago we did the exact same things, I can see her in what she says is her "prime".  I also think of how, in many many years my children (and I will be the last to have them amongst my friends, I have bet money on it in our pregnancy pact) they for a long time will not see me as teenager, will only see me as their very own middle aged mother.  But, then as I allow them that little entrance through the eye of the needle into my past, they too will see all of the fun I had.  This cycle will forever continue.  The younger, not understanding until the older guides them to it.  I am so glad my mother gave me this insight it really makes me appreciate her more.

How much do you know about your parents past?
Would knowing more help you to better understand them?  

Thursday

Today was saturday but then it turned midnight and is now sunday but long story short this blog is a bit late but I have some catching up to do anyway.  What do you think of when you think of Thursday? Its almost the weekend, but not quite.  The day after the middle of the week.  Thursday is the quintessential average day.  Glee (one of my tops favorite shows and as much as i don't like to admit it in this one case I don't mind being main stream) is on i don't have an after school activity its just another day of the week nothing special. This past Thursday New helped me make an ordinary day extraordinary with one small adventure.  We went for a run through the area by our school and New and I both forgot sports bras but had shirts, mine a light tank and New's the thick one she wore to school.  As we were running New got way to hot, she ditched her shirt put it in a bush to retrieve later and we ran with her in her black regular cup bra.  We got some funny looks from men and it was quite the adventure.  There was a cop/paramedic man and we were paranoid that she would be stopped for public nudity of something hahahaha.  So I said, "Look out a cop!" She did not see me point at him on the other side of the street, she thought he was on our side so she ran across the street right in front of him.  It was hysterical! Nothing happened but we will be most definitely making Thursday topless runs a tradition! I think this important lesson New showed me, is something everybody should learn to have a happier life.  In my opinion someone who can make the smallest ordinary into something extraordinary has a true gift and will never live a boring day in their life.  If they can appreciate the smallest joy to come their way the larger sorrows will never seem quite so bad.  I suppose you can put this lesson into the book of wisdom from New!

100 PAGE VIEWS!!!

    I feel so honored to have 100 page views.  It gives me reason to continue.  Thanks to any steady viewers I may or may not have.  :D

Vent

        "To vent."  This is a term used to say, "Just start talking, I will listen, but you just talk.  Talk out your problems, talk out your frustrations.  In the end you will feel better."  When someone is going through a hard time you would say, "vent to me it will help."  Well, this I don't doubt, I love venting I think especially in high school when your opinions seem to mean that much less, having a friend or two you know you can always vent to is a comfort.  What happens when you don't feel like talking.  Something irks you so much, or upsets you so intensely it feels like it hurts more to talk about it then to stay quiet.  This has not been my week at all, and more specifically it hadn't been my past say 20 hours.   I haven't shared my feelings with anyone.  I can name at least one person willing to listen but I am so pained and so tired, almost, like emotionally.  That I can't get through to explain it.  Its almost like the urge to just give up.  May be if you don't talk about it it will go away right? Due to neglect it will vanish.  Isn't that how it works?  I can only think of all the lives that I make that much harder and how much pain this causes many around me.  These things I used to vent about, but now I don't have the energy or will power to do so. Sorry.  I can only hope all of you here in the U.S and in Russia, the UK, and South Korea; I really hope you have someone you can vent to.  Someone who will support you know matter you say.  I have some but, I am not sure why I am blocking them all out.  I guess I need to work on it, and I only  hope these next days are better than the last.

What do you need to talk about, vent about that you have been hiding for far too long?

Who do you know you can vent to? 

80's

Today I was listening to my pandora radio (as I do everyday) and I came across a song that made me laugh so hard.  I loved it and I then began thinking why couldn't we all think this way.  The song was called, "If you were gay, it would be ok," from the musical avenue Q.  Please everyone go and listen to it!  Well anyway, as the song states the singer (male) is singing to his male roommate that he would still be his best friend and love him if he was gay.  He is saying that no matter which gender you like why should that change how people look at you.  I have a strong obsession with the 80's mentality of acceptance.  Listening to the song "La Vie Boheme." Also makes me think this.  Why can't was all stand together as one and not group us into the gays, the straights, the lesbions, the cross dressers, the bisexuals.  What does it matter!!!!  Lets pretend I had a friend Mat.  Mat and I liked to hang out go to the movies, he was funny a good friend.  Should it matter if he was gay.  Would that make him any less funny or of good of a friend.  I obviously didn't live in the 80's but if they were as I think they were I would love to return there.  You meet a friend on the street, you think its a girl but is really a cross-dresser.  Whatever he/she is still chill.  Despite the fact that these feelings may have come about due to drugs or other substances of that nature I still think it is a good mindset.  As we all know African americans used to be discriminated against.  They had to go to different schools, use different bathrooms, the whole 9 yards.  That situation has sincerely improved, but I don't understand how people don't see that anyone who is not straight is the now being discriminated against!  Don't people see that even subconsciously we are splitting friends and companions up in our lives we don't have them all on the same grounds.  Even if they are all equal, we are all separated.  And I don't like that, at all.  So I guess this blog was mainly about me complaining about society but oh well, it happens.

Who are you separating from yourself?  Who do you need to pull in to make all the people you know on the same playing field?

Friends (you just can't live without)

   I am not sure where I will take this but I had a very fun day today.  First, Notre Dame won so my family was happy (I personally don't give a shit).  Then, New and Legna and I went to the movies.  First of all, we didn't bring any men with us so we all looked a bit homeless.  Legna and I were in baggy sweaters/sweatshirts, and New was in a lovely large button up which was her dad's from the 80's and that was an adventure in itself.  SO there is a Starbucks right next to the movie theatre.  Here we got beverages of course and then went to a table where there were no chairs so we stood around it.  It felt quite bohemian I loved it! We then went to see THE POSSESSION!!! If you haven't seen it it was superb! It had a good amount of scariness and it was just exciting to be a part of.  Here we were the only ones into the movie everyone else looked like they were asleep.  there was a nice group of like 45 year olds in front of us, maybe older and they all scooted 1 seat away from us because we were getting a bit loud before the movie started and then these 4 teens walk in and sit right in front of them!!! So great karma in its prime!  As I was saying the movie was superb and then we went back over to Starbucks where I layer on the concrete outside and felt very at peace while New and Legna sat beside me.  We then parted ways with lovely good byes.  I then made plans with my man friend to have a date in a week which i am ecstatic about.  My first real date AHHHH!!!!  So today really got me back into life after my hellish week, my friend goes through her next surgery tomorrow (the one hit by the car) so I will be quite on edge but I think after today I will have more strength to emotionally be stable for her.  This also got me back on my feet after a traumatic experience I had yesterday. Because of my eating disorder that I had I have to go to the hospital frequently for checkups and therapy etc. So yesterday the doctor said something to me that just made me crazy.  For a bit of background; I have never been a big eater due to separation issues from my birthmother.  It got very serious in fifth and sixth grade so summer of sixth grade I went to rehab for 2 months.  No one new, I told all of my friends I was at my aunts.  Upon my return, it was quite an uphill climb until i started high school a year ago and it was a massive plunge back to the bottom.  I was severely throwing up daily and running 7-10 miles a day it made no sense but recently like april I got some help and have made a superb upward climb is I do say so myself.  Anyway, this doctor and I are getting quite aggressive and he shouts at me, "You ruined your childhood with this!! Why ruin high school too!" Due to the fact I knew it was true I got very very upset, I knocked a book shelf down threw books at the doctor, really superb hahahah! but anyway I was quite shocked and effected.  I didn't know how to feel I was so conflicted! But after being with my two favorite people on this plannet I felt sure of what I wanted to do.  He was right why ruin all of this great high school experience! Having friers and relationships, I thrive on it and I couldn't imagine what I would do with out all of these relationships in my life.  Really, quite a break through.  So I guess I will make this blog about relationships, life's battery.  Boyfriends, best friends, family friends, family, school friends, church friends, fuck buddies, what would we do without having all of these people to support us on their shoulders.  All of these people effected me, my youth, how I grew up, my present, my future they are apart of it all.  Legna, 11 childhood years of being best friends continues.  SHe effected my youth so much with all of our sumer trips, camp outs in her backyard, all of it was so fun and i effected how she grew up and she effected me which is why I think we are so in sync, its like we are each other but different, idk it makes no sense.  And then New she knows like all of my secrets she has really been my crutch all year and with the same activities and being roommates in Italy for a few weeks, she just really gets me on a whole bother level.  I could list and list and list all of the people that effect my life sooooooooo much for the better.  I couldn't live without them, I couldn't be the best I could be without them!  My question today and homework for you all is to think:

Who effects my life for the better?

Make the list and then go thank them and tell them of your love personally.  Let them know how much they mean to you.  

I'm Fine

     In school (which I started on Tuesday) we have a new teacher.  She said something on class that made me think i suppose.  She said, "Do you ever have one of those days where you are asked, 'how are you?' and you think you are fine but then you burst into tears instead?"Well, not to complain but I am having quite the tough week.  My dear friend was hit by a car, she lives on the east coast.  She was hit when she was at a cross country practice and eh pelvis slit into two and she broke bones in multiple places so she is going through multiple surgeries and such.  I had to fly home for school so I am a total spas right now worried sick and praying that she is doing ok.  Well we are all stressed when school starts so there is that of course and then some friends of mine here where I live are having some serious troubles too not to mention my own so, yes I am having one of those weeks.  I, being quite a verbal person usually let people know how I am feeling, to a certain level, but I think that all of have put on a face so we look like we are going from our day to day activities and we are all fine.  But, knowing this, knowing that people you know and love may be suffering and you don't know about it, doesn't that put you on edge.  I have a friend and she always can tell when I am not in the best of shape no matter what kind of face I put on, and everyday, she makes a point to ask me how I am doing, and how was my day.  The way that she says it really makes me feel like she cares.  It makes me really feel like I have some arms to reside in and a shoulder to cry on, it makes me feel love and protected and care about.  Because of this friend I have been trying to do the same to others, go out of my way to make sure they are doing ok.  Even if I can't help, I think sometimes the biggest way to help is to be someone a friend can vent too.  If I didn't have some one to complain to on a day to day bases, I am not sure what I would do.  So my starting question today is:

Are you going out of your way to take care of those you love? If not, should you be?

I am sorry this blog was short, but due to these recent events, I have been uninspired, I am sure I will be able to get back into things soon enough, but to those who read my blogs (if there are any of you), I would just love some supportive comments, or mean comments I don't really care at this point I just need to know there is something to power me through this.

Potential Friends

This year my friend says to me, "There is no such thing as strangers, only potential friends." Today that applied to my life more than ever I will tell you the story.

Today I was flying home. The flight was 5 hours. After the first 45 minutes of going in and out of consciousness and listening to music, as was the man (very attractive age 26) next to me, I noticed that we had the same mannerisms.  We listened to music the same, we both bobbed our heads the same moved our leg the same. We sat the same in our chairs, etc.  I then began to notice that we had the same hair color.  I am a very paranoid person if that is the right word, and as you may or may not know I am adopted, my mother was 16 when she had me which would make her 31 now and I assume her mate was around her age.  This man was young and attractive so I said, "You look so familiar, may I ask how old you are?" He answered, "26" and I said, "Oh, never mind.  Sorry, to bother you." "Who did you think I was," he asked.  So I explained that I thought I would get that one in a million chance and that he was my birth father.  He then explained that he was from Austria and grew up there until he was 18 he slowly began to move farther and farther away from home until he ended up in America 2 years ago.  This man, Manwell he said to be his name, this stranger and I talked for 4 hours straight on this plane.  We were laughing and smiling and cursing.  We talked about everything.  I had been in my favorite place in the world and now had to return to this hellhole so I wasn't in a very good mood.  He had just visited his girlfriend and now had to go back to work so we supplied each other's sunshine.  As  we began our decent, I was shaking and I told Manwell why I was so nervous to be back he comforted me with his words of wisdom and in the end he gave me a hug and said, "It was great to meet you, [insert my name here]."  I responded, "You too, really, I couldn't have made it through the flight without you." He smiled and said, "You are really a special person, I hope our paths cross again some day." and we left the plane.

Now this might seem very far fetched but talking Manwell really changed my life.  First, I realized how fortunate I was to sit next to such an attractive open minded person about ten years old than myself.  Second, I thought, why couldn't everyone be so openminded.  If I hadn't been open minded enough to ask this absolute stranger if he was my father and Manwell hadn't been open minded enough to answer, "No but, you are lovely it would be an honor to be your father."  We would not have talked through that plane ride and learned from each other.  Imagine if all people were as openminded.  Imagine if when you saw a two teens playing music in the street you didn't avoid contact.  Imagine all of the potential friends there are that you walk by and take for granted everyday, yes take for granted.  Next time you go out, just look around at all of these people who you could strike up a conversation and become friends with.  I sincerely think this could be one of the answers to some of life's questions.  Any who, it was quite the life changing experience talking to Manwell, it really was and I am so glad it happened.

This story correlates into a question my friend, New, asked me this summer as we hiked through Yosemite.  She said, "You know how we tell stories about people we see at the market who shock us or people we overhear at the restaurant who make us laugh.  I wonder what stories some strangers have about me?  I wonder what story I am in as some unnamed character that someone repeats to every dinner guest they have?"  First of all I think New really had quite the epiphany at this moment.  I had never thought like that before and now I do it frequently.  When Manwell returns to his apartment in Venice Beach and his roommate asks him, "How was your flight?" What will he say.  When he calls his girlfriend to tell her he made it back safe will I be mentioned in the phone call?  On his next plane flight as he takes his seat and some unnamed character walks in and sits next to him will he think of me?  Did I effect Manwell as much as he effected me?  I like to think I did due to the heart warming compliments he gave me but I will never be sure until, as he says, "until our paths cross again."  I hope Manwell and I will once again share a serendipitous moment together, but who knows its all in fate's hands now.    

What new friend can you make today?
In whose life can you apply some sunshine?

Vibes

I was at a party today havering a great time, happy smiling it e's lovely! Then this acquaintance of mine (I like him very much just don't know him to well) walks in and suddenly I am so depressed, I had that feeling in my chest where I just want to burst into tears. I one else is as effected by his mood as I was, in fact no one else was effected at all.  Later I ask him if he is doing ok and he says yeah fine blah blah blah and then with some probing I learn that he has had some recent turbulence in his life.  I feel personally I dwell and attached to peoples feeling to easily but despite that this small story brongs me to my point of vibes. I think that they are so vital to human relationships.  When you and your friend have not seen eachother in a month and you meet her at the airport you are so happy because she is so happy and she is so happy because you are so happy.  The two of you feed off of eachothers vibes. Similarly at a funeral you are sad as well as everyone that is in the establishment.  These vibes are all for the better, these vibes make relationships stronger because you share in one another's emotions.  I will now continue onto bad vibes or what I find to be the more proper name misplaced vibes.  When you walk into a wedding with news of your close friends death, all of these people were happy and your powerful emotion will bring the mood down, but bring the news to balanced emotions such as you friend casually sitting at the tv, he will be able to take in your vibes and help you cope.  Or of course vice versa going into a funeral home with a smile. Al of these things can effect the people around you so emencley that they may not even know why they have strange feelings. You may not even know if you are receiving bad vibes.  Anywho I think (or at least I hope) you get the picture of how vital vibes are.  So today I have multiple  questions , some may not be able to answer all.

Who are your misplaced vibes effecting?
Where have you only felt good vibes?
Who in your life is continually putting bad vibes into your body, whatare you goon to do abaout it?

It Happens

A few months ago my dear friend and I were in Italy.  We will call this friend New because when I went to my new high school she became my best friend. She knows practically all of my secrets and is honest with me about everything (and don't worry legna was not dropped she is and always will be my tip top bestie). New will be in allot more posts do don't worry but getting back to my story: when we were in Italy my dear friend new and I were laughing so hard that she happy farted! (we are lucky I don't use real names). Yes right there a lovely little fart in our room and no she didn't say excuse me or sorry she said, "it happens". Later in English class as we enjoyed or Swedish fish as we do each e-block new accidentally dropped a few of the mighty fish and once again said "it happens" soon all of my friends were saying it. It applied to everything from things that embarrassed you to things that occurred on accident to things that make you so happy you just want to share it with all!  Just think about it for a second, one word then the other, it... Happens... It's so true! Why should we dwell on something that we may not like or makes us unhappy just say, "it happens!" and u can move on. And it explains the good things "why did u find five bucks in the street?". Well, "it happens!". It's genius! You can say it with a smile and a laugh or a frown and some tears. I find it most helpful mainly I. My bad predicaments and the funny accidents myself but we are all different.  My question to you is:

What happened that you are still dwelling on? What do you need to dismiss so you can move on with your life?

Sailing

Have you ever gone sailing? Every summer for the past five summers I have gone to Westport, CT (heaven on earth and sailed.  They say home is where the heart is and in that case it would be here. I love it here my best friends and I always stay with the best uncle and aunt in the world. But that is besides the point!  I'm supposed to be talking about sailing. I love sailing and the reason I love sailing so much is because feeling the wind in my hair and how u can feel the rush of flying a haul and almost capsizing or u can enjoy the tranquility of lazily skimming along the beautiful water. Either way I feel free, FREE!!!!!!! This is one of the best concepts man kind has ever created.  Now freedom can come on many forms. Some may see it in the seance of this country USA and some may see it when there am drops them off at the mall and they can do whatever they want. When I imagine being free I imagine two things (the one I will tell you is better and more important).  Freedom is that feeling right after you are lying in bed when your mind races with work and school and lists for tomorrow and how mad you are at your parents, yes it's right after that. When you start to think about what nourishes you soul and you mind sores! With things that make you happy or calm and pleasant. You think of you dreams in a stress free way, in a way that makes you smile with the ideas of the future. When I sail I get this feelin of freedom. As I think of my dreams of making music in anyway I can.  When I sail these thoughts are not clouded by the fact that there are so many struggling musicians who never made it or with the idea that one day I will have to seriously think about a major or there will at some point be bills for me to pay.  None of that enters my mind just the music and my happy future with a wonderful beautiful man who I love (who I hope I can meet some day).  I think of all the things that make me smile: my dear friends, Westport, music, Bob Marley (whom I plan to marry when he comes back from the dead) and when I sing with my aunt in the car to 1950's musicals and I am so happy my heart could burst!  When I sail I feel like I just might have been placed here for a reason that maybe all the ideas that fill my head could work out for the best!  I have decided now to end every post with a question and hopefully these questions can help you become a better person as they have helped me. My uncle is a phycobablist and he proposed this question to me.

What nourishes your soul?

New

Well I'm not quite sure how these things work.  Day by day I try my best to be good to others and good to myself.  Through the years the latter of these two has been very difficult ( which I'll go into more in later blogs). I think that by sending my feelings out into the world I can help myself and help others. I'm an OCD dyslexic so this will be quite the adventure for us all I can only hope in the near future my blog can do some good for people so any support anyone could give would be helpful.  I will do my best to make sure this doesn't turn in to me complanning day by day but if it does I'm sorry I'll try to keep it interesting.  I'm not some creeper in my mothers basement in her late 30s but I'm a lively 15 year old ( or so I think). I am trying to get through my previous eating disorder while going through high school surrounded by friends who are all into the new idea of drugs drinking and boyfriends. I am also adopted but u couldnt tell since my whole family is white.  No one quite understands that pain that i sometimes go through as i suffer through thinking of who my mother is and why I was abandoned and left behind so she could live her life. Don't get me wrong my family is great, love them allot, but I am nothing like them which makes it hard. I could go on forever but, this isn't a pity party I'm just trying to tell you a bit about myself.  On a lighter note singing is my passion along with playing guitar and ukulele and I have a 20 year old brother whom I look up to with every inch of my soul.  Finally I have a best friend for almost 11 years now so I may talk about her allot I'll refer to her as legna because it is angel backwards which is exactly what she is she has helped me so much through my life and for that I can't thank her enough. So that's me, I can't wait to start really blogging and once again here are my hopes for this blog: 1) I have a few readers and 2) I can help someone in anyway I can.
To anyone out there... Have a lovely day.