Just be happy for me, please?

       Well, Merry Christmas! I have now found my password and am ready to blog again with the holidays through, I know I just said that but, c'est la vie.  I am currently irked.  I am irked because I am happy and no one else will share in my joy.  I am trying to loose some weight for track i have lost 2 more pounds.  I am very happy because I can almost use my old pole again (I pole vaulted in track), but alas instead everyone is getting on my case about being some sick freak.  Why can't they just let me be happy, it baffles me.  Will anyone out there just share in my joy?

I feel like I don't even know me anymore?

          Do you ever have those days where you want something but, you don't know what?  Totally one of those days.  I have had a rough start to the week, as many of us do, and I want something from my friends.  But what? I can't answer that question myself, do I want people to notice my pain? Do I want to continue to look like the super hero.  In a non-boastful way I have had many of my friends (who don't know me as this blog does) tell me that they can't imagine me vulnerable and in pain.  I can imagine me like that, but that is because only I have seen it.  This side only comes out when I am in this  alone.  I can't let my guard down in front of others, I am not sure why.  Is it a trust thing, because I would put my life in their hands if I could, for it would be safer there.

I don't even know me anymore.  I don't know what I want.  Every decision is a battle of trial and err, guessing my way through.  My body doesn't even know if it is tired or not after 64 hours of sleep deprivation.  Why can't I decipher my own feelings today.  Why can't I just take a little break from life. Don't get confused I am not suicidal, but if I could just close my eyes for a month and let life pass me by, then when they open everything will be set straight.  I won't have friends who self-harm, I won't have a brother going into the marines, I won't have a friend who committed suicide, I won't have an anorexic friend, I won't be dyslexic and I won't have to keep any secrets.  Is that a thing? Can I do that?

Where can I go for a break from life? (but really any answers would be much appreciated)

What is Life?

          What is life? This is a new saying of mine.  I haven't blogged in over two months and it has upset me greatly.  I don't understand why I let all these things in life get in the way of doing things that are important to me.  Its been rough and I feel odd not having a place to vent it all too.  Long story short I was in vigorous seven day a week rehab for anorexia, starting Dec. 1 I only need to go in twice a week.  This is a huge step for me and that is why it has been hard to keep up with my blogs, sorry.  Things come by us day by day as we ride down this life road.  These things that came by, they stopped me, they stopped me dead in my tracks and slid me backward.  I am now hopefully starting a new chapter in my life as I make up for lost time.  I hope I can return to my diligently kept blog.  :)