Just be happy for me, please?

       Well, Merry Christmas! I have now found my password and am ready to blog again with the holidays through, I know I just said that but, c'est la vie.  I am currently irked.  I am irked because I am happy and no one else will share in my joy.  I am trying to loose some weight for track i have lost 2 more pounds.  I am very happy because I can almost use my old pole again (I pole vaulted in track), but alas instead everyone is getting on my case about being some sick freak.  Why can't they just let me be happy, it baffles me.  Will anyone out there just share in my joy?

I feel like I don't even know me anymore?

          Do you ever have those days where you want something but, you don't know what?  Totally one of those days.  I have had a rough start to the week, as many of us do, and I want something from my friends.  But what? I can't answer that question myself, do I want people to notice my pain? Do I want to continue to look like the super hero.  In a non-boastful way I have had many of my friends (who don't know me as this blog does) tell me that they can't imagine me vulnerable and in pain.  I can imagine me like that, but that is because only I have seen it.  This side only comes out when I am in this  alone.  I can't let my guard down in front of others, I am not sure why.  Is it a trust thing, because I would put my life in their hands if I could, for it would be safer there.

I don't even know me anymore.  I don't know what I want.  Every decision is a battle of trial and err, guessing my way through.  My body doesn't even know if it is tired or not after 64 hours of sleep deprivation.  Why can't I decipher my own feelings today.  Why can't I just take a little break from life. Don't get confused I am not suicidal, but if I could just close my eyes for a month and let life pass me by, then when they open everything will be set straight.  I won't have friends who self-harm, I won't have a brother going into the marines, I won't have a friend who committed suicide, I won't have an anorexic friend, I won't be dyslexic and I won't have to keep any secrets.  Is that a thing? Can I do that?

Where can I go for a break from life? (but really any answers would be much appreciated)

What is Life?

          What is life? This is a new saying of mine.  I haven't blogged in over two months and it has upset me greatly.  I don't understand why I let all these things in life get in the way of doing things that are important to me.  Its been rough and I feel odd not having a place to vent it all too.  Long story short I was in vigorous seven day a week rehab for anorexia, starting Dec. 1 I only need to go in twice a week.  This is a huge step for me and that is why it has been hard to keep up with my blogs, sorry.  Things come by us day by day as we ride down this life road.  These things that came by, they stopped me, they stopped me dead in my tracks and slid me backward.  I am now hopefully starting a new chapter in my life as I make up for lost time.  I hope I can return to my diligently kept blog.  :)

CHECK US OUT!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ahmvNNF54uU&feature=plcp

New and I are enjoying our new youtube channel.  We only have 2 videos but we think they are fun!  We enjoy making them but also want some views to here is our favorite video and u can get to the other one from it.  I hope you all make time to see it and keep tabs for our next video :D

He be sleepin'

   I am white, and I am wealthy.  I go to a good school and extra circular activities and hang out with my friends.  I was getting some house work done,  the workers drove up.  It was a saturday morning 6 o'clock.  Everybody I know sleeps in past nine on a saturday, but I have horrible insomnia.  As I looked out my window and saw them; it was a man probably late 50s and then in the passenger seat a guy, like my age (like 16) sleeping.  The man got out and walked around the car and woke up this guy.  The kid got out and was handed a coffee.  He swallowed down a few drugs and they came to the door.  My ma had me get the door with her in the shower and my dad getting some work done in hie room.  I let them in, led them to the backyard showed them what they had to do.  I went back inside, got some juice, doing what most teen girls do, in my pjs hanging out.  I looked out the window and there was that kid working sweating, sipping his coffee, he was "one of the guys", but he was 16.  He was working like a full grown man and he was 16.  I went out, brought him a cold soda. It just didn't seem fair.  By now its  11 o'clock.  he had been working for 5 hours.  My dad comes out and is all like, "why is that boy working."  I shrug, "Well its his job, i guess."  My dad shook his head, "not today."  He walked outside and I watched him talk to the man who originally drove in.  He point at the kid asking a question, "he shrugged then my dad nodded at the kid.  My dad brought him in, "Caroline this is Neil, show him around."  My dad had just taken Neil's job.  For the rest of the day Neil and I roamed around my town. He told me how they don't have allot of money and has been working with his dad for a year.  And please don't get confused, he wasn't doing this for extra pocket money, he was doing this because his family needed one more income and he is the oldest.  He hadn't had a free weekend since he was 13 because before working with his dad he did odd jobs around town.  He was one of the funniest people I had ever met!  Through our day to day life we had our differences and yet, it didn't take much to be friends.  Every day after school he went to work and I went to choir.  After work he went home to babysit his 5 siblings and help them with their homework and cooked their small meals and I went to rehab for me ED.  Despite this when it comes down to it we are both just teens right? going through life  trying to get to the future be independent.  We listen to the radio got pics of our friends in our rooms. By 5 we came home and watched a movie he fell asleep quick.  This kid was tall and super thin because they barley had enough money.  The workers were done at 7:30 and Neil's dad carried him out and said, this will be the most sleep he is gotten since he was ten.  It was just a subtle reminder of how fortunate i am.  This though is not the main point i wanted to make.  I want to look at 3 things.  My dad, he, as i have said before, is one of the most giving people I know.  Do you know any other man who will work in a payed workers spot?  I sure don't but my father did.  Second is look at Neil.  He has his shit his, life is sure not easy and yet, does that stop him from being a decent person, absolutely not.  He can still make friends and have a fun saturday out.  We should learn from this.  We got our rough days, we got our rough months and we get like little bitches being mean to everybody.  He has had a rough life and he sees it as just another step in the road.  You can keep walking or stop.  Like Neil we all got to keep going, it will make us all stronger people if we do it with a good attitude.

What step in the rode do we need to take?

The Moment

     Thursday night was such a great evening with New.  It started at about 7:30 upon our arrival into the out door mall near by, its huge and hard to explain.  We got some smoothies and then bought incense by then it was 8 and... every store was closed.  We weren't leaving until about 9:30 so we didn't know what to do.  As we passed by the apple store we saw a decent line forming outside, we quickly made the connection that it was the people waiting to get the new iPhone 5.  We of course sat down and joined them,  New started up a nice conversation and we made a new friend with the guy next to us.  He was slovakian and has only been here a few months.  He was a great new friend.  We had people come up to us and ask us what we were in line for (dumb asses couldn't figure it out) and we would tell them different things such as, "this is the drug line" and "I'm not sure, we woke up here and weren't quite sure what was going on and saw all of these nice people in line and joined them."  WWe really enjoyed our stories.  A new guy came and sat on our other side and after awhile some man came up to him and they started talking and the guy was pretty creeped out and then the man says, "I would like to invite you to a little party down town at the Lutheran church can i get your number."  The guy handled it like a total pro and eventually the creepy man left and we turned to him and we like, "that was bizarre u handled it well" etc. and he was like, "Its a first."  WIth our Slovakian friend we began to discuss whether we should light some incense or not (btw New was under the impression you could smoke it...) and then the guy invited to the party gives us a lighter.  We were thrilled and then that awkward moment when we can't work it.  "You want to do it?" and the slovakian friend, "You don't know how to work this?" New:, "I don't smoke!"  So we learned from this new friend of ours how to work this kind of lighter.  My mother than informed me that she could come and get us so we told her to pick us up a block away and told the new friends that we were going down to san diego by metro and left.  I decided to tell you this because it was such a superb night and I think it emphasizes one of my favorite life rules;  to LIVE IN THE MOMENT! if you don't you have no idea all the things you will loose.

In what ways could you open up more to help you live in the moment?

Hipster

    We have all gotten the what really makes you popular speech.  We have learned that it isn't all about the # of Facebook friends and parties you go to so I will not go into it.  Let me go over the dialogue my father and I exchanged the other day.

Dad: "One if the youngsters in my office today explained to me hipster.  DO you know what hipster is?"

Me: "Yes dad, I know what hipster is."

Dad: "She showed me this great site called Urban dictionary.com!  Have you ever heard of it?"

Me: "Yes dad."

Dad: "Its superb! Anyway, I have decided that I am hipster.  Wouldn't you agree?  I am not what do you call it... mainstream and some of my shirts have animals and I enjoy folk music.  Thats pretty Hipster right?"

Me: "Yeah dad spot on..."

     My father standing there in his shirt covered with little monkeys jamming out to Kingston Trio thinks he is hipster.  But who is to say he is wrong?  Isn't Beauty in the eye of the beholder? Then why can't hipster?  We all label things and people and through these labels we think that we know them, but do we?  When one looks at my father I doubt anyone thinks hipster and yet there he is with his hipster pride.  I think that my dad is right.  In the famous RENT quote it says, "To anyone in the mainstream.... Is anyone in the main stream?... To anyone alive with a sex drive, tear down the wall, aren't we all?"  Marc here is asking what makes someone mainstream? we will all have different answers and label people and draw these lines putting people in their natural place, but TEAR DOWN THAT WALL!!!!! Just because someone is gay, does that mean you know who they really are? Of course NOT!

Who have you been labeling?